One Year Later

I didn't think I'd return to write on this blog, but last week something happened that I felt would be most appropriately posted here, because it is rooted in India and it can finish this chapter of my story. I fell for a man named Isaac in India last June and enjoyed an Indian romance, complete with scandalously sneaking kisses between tightly clasped hands on the streets of Pune, running through the monsoon rain together, and traveling all over South India with my new partner. I was drawn to his intelligence and quiet demeanor and the way he made me feel special. After our Sanskrit program, he helped me move into my new dorm in Hyderabad, before he returned to Canada, and we continued to write emails everyday for the next three months. Before my work in Hyderabad was done, he stopped writing. He never gave me a reason, but since we were at such a long distance anyway, I figured it didn't matter because I would probably never see him again.

A month later, he started to email me again. He said he still "liked me like crazy." Because of his prior behavior, I didn't want to open up to him again - at least until he was accepted into Berkeley's PhD program in February and he made plans to move to California. As soon as that happened, we started to email everyday again. We picked up where we had left off - my favorite part of the day was getting his email message and reading the his special notes for me. I was so disappointed when he missed the graduate student visitor's weekend that I flew to Vancouver to visit him. We had the best time being together, even though he was in the middle of finals. I couldn't wait for him to come to Berkeley.

My wish came true earlier than planned after his father passed away at the end of May. We spent all summer together, this time in Berkeley. We got up at 5:45 and sat for an hour of meditation - everyday - at Berkeley Monastery. We ate breakfast together, translated Kalidasa (okay, so he taught me), cooked lunch and dinner together, went shopping together, watched all the new movies together, talked, read books together, and fell asleep in each other's arms every night. I fell in love with him like I have never loved any significant other. I thought I would be together with him for a long time and even envisioned us teaching Sanskrit literature together at some university. I was blinded by love, intoxicated by the moment.

A week after he moved into his own dorm and school started, I noticed he was pulling back. He stopped calling and made it difficult to spend time together. He put me on limited profile on facebook and started telling little untruths. Last week, three days after his best friend's wedding, he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. He wouldn't tell me to my face, even though I asked him what was going on. He cowardly sent me an email, which had the effect of someone ripping out the mechanism that beats in one's chest. I have never felt such pain in my whole life. I cried until my hands shook. My body went into shock. I thought we worked well together. I was happy. Now I just feel like I am missing a really important part of my life and it's horrible because I didn't want to break up. He seems to be able to just shut off his feelings and he doesn't care how he is hurting me.

I feel like Sita in the Ramayana, who was unfairly abandoned by her love, Rama. I feel sad, rejected, disappointed, shocked, angry, empty, afraid, cheated. I have lost 5 lbs since he broke up with me last week. I am sleeping better now than earlier last week, when I tossed for a couple of hours each night and then woke up at 5am to frightened thoughts of him being with someone else or lying to me. I have been tortured with this lingering pain. I am incapable of just turning off my emotions, and yet this is precisely what I must do, since he doesn't want to share his. I want to see him, to feel him hold me. I miss what was such a valued part of my life. He promised he would never do this to me again, drop me like a piece of lint picked out of the belly button, but he has, and I am hurt. iti mama caritam in India 2006.

Still more transitions

I don’t know which end of my pendulum-swinging emotions to give more credence. Sometimes I imagine I am a horrible monster who is out of touch with humanity. When I walk through campus, I watch the female chappel-clod construction workers in their bra-less blouses and petticoat-less saris. Their heads are wrapped with layers of cloth to support the shallow pans of earth they carry to cover the rocks they have just laid for the new road. Their brows sweat persistently under the direct heat of the sun and there is a slight curl at the tip of their lips from the heavy strain of their labor. They work quietly and do not judge me as I leisurely pass them on my way to the shopping complex up the road. In contrast to these women, my shoes are made of leather and my job allows me to work indoors and gives me the time and resources to study and read five international newspapers regularly in two languages. My privilege disgusts me as I pass these laboring women whose reality I do not have to confront unless I choose to.

Why should I be in a position to have a choice? What makes me different from these women? Yet, I am not rich—I only have a few dollars left in my bank account and am about to spend that balance when I go shopping tomorrow. Compared to the construction workers, I live a luxurious life, but compared to many people in my country, I am poor. In a world where everything is relative, that is to say where everything exists in relationship with everything else, where do I position myself? Do my own lifestyle choices isolate me from both extremes? Since my career choice will dictate my future, do I have to choose a side to relate to more? Why can I not just accept that I cannot be intimate with everyone and will inevitably be alienated from most people?

I am caught between two worlds. I have tasted the savory morsels of elitism and chewed the scraps from the rich man’s table and still I have no place to call my home. All around me people are living in tents and working for a few rupees a day. They are lucky if they have one change of clothes. They worry about how they will feed their children and marry their daughters. In contrast, I am preparing for my anticipated initiation into the “professional world”: I just had a business suit made with Italian wool and silk dresses tailored. I am reading about international relations and studying an ancient language that is only useful for verbal communication among 300 or so highly educated scholars. Most of my friends at home are going to law school or working for the government. They are all intelligent, motivated, successful, and enjoy great social advantages. Why do I feel guilty to want to be like them? Am I a bad person if I want to have some financial mobility?

I had very little money during my first trip to India, so my experience was very much influenced by trying to skimp and save in order to squeeze the most out of my time abroad. Probably for this reason more than any other, I adapted easily to a rather commonplace “Indian” lifestyle. I learned just how little I needed to survive and felt like I grew stronger as a result of the simplified way of life. However, during my second trip, I have had slightly more money and it’s made a huge difference. I’ve become greedy and I’ve forgotten to be content with what I have. Instead of living in the present moment and feeling connected to life around me, I am strategizing how to prepare for my upcoming jobs and interviews like an actor prepares for the stage. The irony of the whole situation is that my lack of resources in the US has compelled me to take advantage of my buying power in India because I would not be able to afford the same clothes and books at home. But in a country where quotidian necessities are desperate to be met, my present requirements seem inconsequential. Are my preparations justified? Or am I out of touch with reality? Why do I get to choose which reality I operate in?

And about religion. I don’t feel motivated to read the Upanishads and the Gita. I just spent the past 15 months learning Sanskrit for this very purpose, and now that I am in a position to read these texts, the desire to do so is gone. So much time and energy and now I don’t even know toward what end. I feel like God is more abstract and yet at the same time more at hand than ever before. It’s like any attempt to personalize God is met with contempt in my mind. I am disgusted with ritual, and yet still fascinated by the way it captures the imaginations of others. I can’t pray anymore. I am restless when I sit for meditation. I question my teachers and exemplars. I wonder what has happened to me. I used to be so pious and traditional and now I feel like I have learned what I could from religion and now need to walk further on the road to realization. Yet, my path is so mysterious that I can’t see where it’s leading me. I feel displaced from my own intentions and at the same time I want to stay true to these inclinations. India is the place where my subtle consciousness was awakened…Why should it now turn me away from the path I thought I was to follow?

Sometimes during transitions I don’t recognize myself. I felt frustrated with how I perceived myself behaving, but couldn’t figure out what was bothering me. Now I realize I just didn’t recognize myself after the change of routine. When I graduated and no longer had a full-time student life (so after Pune), I changed, inevitably! I changed. It is a sort of maturing that had to take place and inescapably I felt lost at sea. Confusion is just a part of the journey, but as I settle into this new role of working and only taking one class, I think I will be more comfortable with my altered identity. Transition periods are challenging, but usually lead to unchartered beginnings!

Ramadan Mubarak!

Today is the start of the Islamic month of Ramadan, when Muslims celebrate the transmission, to use a Buddhist term, of the holy Qu’ran to the Prophet Mohammad, peace be upon him. For a whole month, Muslims observe a rather intense fast in which they eat before Fajar, the morning prayers, presently at 5-6am in Hyderabad, and then do not take food or drink until the sun sets and they have again said their evening prayers, here after 6pm. With the appropriate frame of mind, abstaining from edibles during the day creates a mindfulness about one’s self and relationship to others that is often overlooked in the normal mill of quotidian activities. Abstention reminds people to keep the sacred in mind, that we are not all self-sufficient because we truly rely on outside nourishment for our physical functioning, and how fragile our state of mind is when responding to external stimuli. For Muslims, a great sense of community and tradition is renewed every year at this time as believers share in the labor and prayer of asceticism.

I first observed Ramadan in Delhi in 2003, during my first visit to India. I decided to fast because I wanted to learn more about Islam and because I found the challenging spiritual practice appealing. By fasting, listening to the Muslim students living with me in my hostel, and reading the Qu’ran, I began my Islamic education. Not with the intention to convert, I might add, but rather to know more about this great faith and to identify with my Muslim brothers and sisters. I have since continued to observe the fast every subsequent year.

This year, I almost decided not to fast. After serious study and practice, I possess a foundational knowledge of the world’s religions and am not in the same state of mind to devour spiritual practices the way I did on my first Indian tour. However, given the media hype about Islam and terrorism, I felt it was imperative to take advantage of the sizable Muslim population on campus, and in Hyderabad in general, to learn more about Islam and to pray for peace among the world’s religions.

Shadows of the Cold War against communism, the preaching of Pope Benedict and the international news about the culpability of Islam with respect to today’s terrorism seriously demoralize a religion that prides itself on submission to God and the welfare of society. I feel that the media will effectively taint the world’s view of Islam because of a few Muslim fundamentalists’ actions or a political ploy to paint current events in that light.

If this religion is not properly understood, the result could very well be a global civil war or a return to the crusades that will cause even greater animosity and bloodshed than the suffering of the medieval era. Therefore, I offer up my fast this year, an effort to improve my mindfulness, to the increased awareness of Islam around the globe and to the fraternity and respect of people of all faiths without compromising any tradition that seeks to perfect the relational dimensions of humanity.

Around Indian Independence

The past month has been rather hectic, mostly in a good way. The EAP orientation in Delhi went well. It was really nice to see my Sanskrit professor, Sally Goldman, at her residence in the capital. Herhusband, my new boss, tried to help prepare me for my work inHyderabad over lunch, but I don't think I anticipated just how much ofmy time and energy the first 8 days I spent with the EAP group would take. Once I became the group leader on the 25-hour train ride toHyderabad, which I started by putting all 8 students on the wrong train, I became very busy. Since this is my first time in thisparticular position, I was not sure which tasks to prioritize first,but everything seemed to go okay. We got all the seats worked out inthe end, including two switches. This particular train was rather newand had electrical outlets, so people plugged in their laptops and wewatched DVDs. The ticket collector even joined us for a bit. I also was able to type out my translation of Star Wars in Devanagri, whichwas a relief to complete. The students seemed to like the snacks Ibrought for them (Indian style chex mix, peanutbutter and Dad'shomemade jelly, Parle-G cookies…). We soon arrived in Hyderabad, andSatya, an Indian student from HU who accompanied us, told me the taxiswere waiting only 20 feet away, so I did not hire coolies to help withthe students bags. I felt really guilty when the parking lot ended upbeing a lot more than 20 feet—not too much to walk with our bags, butI still wanted to help make the students feel comfortable and I didnot succeed. In Hyderabad, we temporarily settled into a fancystudent hostel, where the curfew for the girls was 9pm (no curfew forboys). During the week we had an academic orientation at UH, boughtmobile phones, submitted police registration applications, toured the campus, dorms, and the city, and other accomplished many other little tasks that took up a lot of time. The students are really great.They are a lot of fun and are a tight knit group of friends who really look out for each other. Isaac and I talked on the phone everyday. Imissed him.

In contrast to Delhi, the city of Hyderabad is full of high rises,glass-paned skyscrapers, and colossal shopping complexes. I was surprised at how different the development of this city after spending so much time in Delhi, which still lacks proper sewage and architectural charm (for the most part). The infrastructure inHyderabad, on the other hand, is excellent and I wasn't treated like atourist, which was nice. I was ready to go back to Pune, though,after being away from Sanskrit class for a week and was ratheraggravated when my plane got 15 minutes from landing Pune and saidthey had to go back to Hyderabad due to heavy rains! I almost cried! Luckily Chandra, the taxi driver from UH was still at the airportwaiting for the arrival of a professor and he took me to a bus stationthrough heavy traffic where I caught (almost) an overnight bus back toPune. I was scared because I thought I was the only woman on a busfull of men, so I tried to stay awake, but found myself dosing off allnight. I arrived safely nonetheless.

When I got back I slept for a couple of hours and then went to visit Isaac. At school the next day Brian and Jeremy told me they didn'twant to perform Star Wars and I was so crushed. After cramming theweek before to edit the Sanskrit with my instructor, Madura, and then focusing intensely on typing out the nagri on the train, I was pretty upset they were not interested in presenting it with me at the cultural show. I was so upset I went and got a big ice-cream cone with chocolate and custard apple flavors, the later of which gave methe worst case of dysentery I'd had in months. For the first time ever my diarrhea had a clear glossy coat---it was shiny---and I wasnot able to retain any food for a week. I had to take two differentsets of heavy antibiotics for 6 days to get my bowel movements somewhat regular. They are still not normal, but close enough.

However, in the end their refusal to act the skit out live turned outfor the best as we ended up dubbing a 5 minute scene of the movie inSanskrit, which turned out to be a lot more fun anyway. Dan, the student in charge of the show, downloaded the movie on his laptop and helped to set up the voice recording. Drew made the prologue scrolling into infinity and the movie turned out really cool.Granted, my voice as Luke sounded strange when Dan digitally alteredit to sound more masculine, however, I was very happy with the clip.The cultural show was cool, although I was in a foul mood because Ihad not been eating properly all week. I was sad when I arrived and Isaac was not wearing the kurta I bought for him in Hyderabad and when he did not say I looked nice in my sari. I was already tense becausethe head instructor told me I could not do the puja at the beginningof the show since I refused to wear my sari in the traditional way(without a petticoat, wrapped between the legs), so I wanted him to at least say that he liked how I looked. For some reason I just wantedto cry and I couldn't get control over my emotions, so I sat down fora while, closed my eyes, and repeated my mantra to calm down. Isaac did a great job reciting the opening prayer and I was so happy whenthe Star Wars video played. The director of the program liked it somuch he got up and said publicly that it was well done and showed theevolution of the Sanskrit language with technology.
The next week was not so eventful. I just tried to catch up on mySanskrit, study a lot, and spend time with Isaac. I was not gettingalong with my host family, but I think now we are okay. It is hard to live in someone else's house and not have your own space or control over things like water and when you eat. After living on my own forso long, I like to be able to eat when I want to and not feel weirdabout bringing in outside food.

This week classes were canceled because of all the terrorist threats in Delhi and Mumbai---not that I feel 12 Sanskrit students would be a target, but oh well. I have been reading and running errands withIsaac and Elaine. I am also studying for our exam, which the schoolis having delivered to us on tomorrow and will then come pick them up. Isaac and I are leaving for Mumbai on Friday for the weekend before he takes me to Hyderabad on Sunday.

Sevagram and Nasik

Isaac and I had a really nice visit to Gandhi's ashram. The guesthouse across the street was full so we actually got to stay in one of the original buildings in the ashram that one of Gandhiji's friends from South Africa had built when he came to visit (because at that time there was no guest housing). We had organic food and fresh milk that was very delicious three times a day. Isaac and I got up at 4:30am for morning prayer and then did some community work (basically my job was to sweep out Gandhi's house and his office) and then we helped separate the rocks from the wheat grain, I learned how to roll chappati, and we had walks through the villages. It was very restful. Now we are in Nasik, a major pilgrimage destination for Indians, but not foreigners....we are like walking zoo exhibitions with everyone staring as we go from place to place. There are so many people everywhere, maybe even thousands of pilgrims in addition to the locals. I am glad there are so many temples and Hindu rituals to watch. All morning we visited temples. There are some 2000+ temples here, mostly dediced to Rama, Lakshmana, and Sita. We have been eating some great South Indian food that has been pretty inexpensive. Our hotel, thanks to Lonely Planet, is pretty good too. I had my first hot shower (not hot bucket bath) since I arrived two months ago. I am going back to Pune tomorrow afternoon. I have class Thursday and Friday and then fly to Delhi Friday evening! Things are going quickly here. Isaac and I are getting along very well. We have many things in common and are good travel buddies. I have to purchase a cell phone before I leave for Delhi....yuck.

Caves

Eleven out of twelve Sanskrit students met at 6:30am on Saturday to drive to Ellora and Ajunta to tour the buddhist, hindu, and jain caves from the 8th century. The trip was so much fun because we were all together and I got to spend a lot of time with Isaac, who I am becoming quite fond of. We get along well and it made me happy that we meditated together twice a day on the trip. I like the way he watches things unfold around us. One time at Ellora he was squatting down to look at the entire cave #16 (we were above the cave at that point) and I told him he looked like a "bhekah" (frog) and he said "ribbit." It was really funny. The caves were also very impressive, though the weather was a bit warm. We saw two very famous Siva lingas and many Buddhist paintings on the walls of caves. The rock carvings were incredible and told the stories of the Buddha's former lives and Hindu gods. I am laughing so much here, as I usually do when I am at home with my mom and sisters, so I think that's a good indication that I am having a great time. We all stayed in the same hotel, in a big dorm room for 11 people (because I complained about the price of the first expensive place we booked). It was like a giant slumber party for adults. Since I got up earlier than everyone to meditate, I got to see them all sleeping. I like to travel and see new places, but it's really a lot of work to tour around.

Today my study partner was sick so I had to do my texual reading class and conversation class by myself (with the teachers of course), but that meant I had to really stay focused. I think it went well. I have a lot of work for this week since I will miss a whole week soon!

Regularity

I mean regularity in so many ways. First, I am following a more regular daily routine, whichi is great. I am back into the grove of life in India. Living with a family and having daily classes helps keep me focused and busy. Second, my "movements" are regular again. You might think this is funny, but I have come to really appreciate when my body functions normally. Third, my meals are all on schedule. I eat breakfast at 8:15am and lunch at 1:15 and dinner at 8:30pm. Fourth, I feel like a normal person again because I have established my friendships (in the American sense) here and am having a much better time socially. I have been in India for a month and I am enjoying Pune and the people on our program. I am happy everyone is so encouraging and that everyone seems to put a lot of effort into learning Sanskrit. I guess no one would come so far out of their way if learning the language was not important to them.

I saw my first Bollywood movie since I have been on this trip. I ended up watching Krish with Luke, the other Cal student who everyone else thinks I am dating (but I'm not). We thoroughly enjoyed India's superhero movie. Apparently this movie was a sequal to one about a guy who was born with a mental disability, but who aliens made into a super genius who made a computer that could show the future. Anyway, the scientist he works for ends up wanting to kill him, but ends up just holding him prisoner for 20 years because the computer password is this guy's retina scan and heart beat. In the second movie, his son ends up inheriting these super mental as well as physical abilities. Once his teachers recognize his talent and to protect him from the scientist, the grandma moves to the Himalayas (the opening scene shows Nainital where I visited in May!!), and he grows up a simple mountain boy who is super super smart and can run faster than horses. He falls in love with an Indian tv host from Singapore who is camping in the Himalayas. She ends up bringing him to Singapore where he sings in a circus and then when the circus burns down he becomes a masked superhero to save the kids inside. While there he rescues his father and realizes the girl's superficial intentions to try to catch some of his super abilities on TV. She ends up falling in love with him too and they all go back to the Himalayas. The whole movie is about family values and it was very entertaining, even if I could not follow the Hindi dialogue.

My Sanskrit classes are going well. I am learning a lot, but still can't understand everything the teachers say and often need them to explain some things in English. I am trying, though. The other students are cool: 4 women and 8 men....Some of them are seriously very interesting people. Everyone is unique and as special tendencies and interests, but they are a great group. My family is very nice. My host dad is a socio-political journalist and the woman I live with downstairs is so sweet. She is always willing to help me with anything I need. Poor Ruhi is trying to get admission into a law school here. She has been going to visit schools every day for the past 2 weeks with Aaji. The admission system here seems a bit unorganized. She spends so much time trying to get forms because her original plan did not work out and it's past the submission deadline.

I visited the beauty parlor with Elaine today and got my legs waxed. We were talking about it this morning and the guys seemed to think lightly of our trip to the parlor, so I tried to emphasize the serious pain factor involved in waxing and threading. I told them about threading my armpits in the Himalayas last time. There is nothing fru-fru about going to the parlor. Although, the one Ruhi recommended was really nice. They had frocks to wear so your clothes don't get waxed on and a little shower with soap and lotion to rinse the wax off your legs after it's done. It was very comfortable and cost Rs 140 ($3.5) for a full leg wax and fifty cents to thread the eyebrows. I am ready for the Ellora and Ajunta caves this weekend now that I know I can sport capri pants if it gets too hot!

I am beginning to really reconsider studying religion or at least my approach to a doctorate program. I am glad that the gears in my mind are starting to crank in a new direction. I want to have some clarity with what I want to do with myself in the years to come. I have a basic idea, that I want to be a good human being in my relationship with others, but as far as specifics go, I am starting to see some light down the tunnel that just takes each opportunity that crosses my path one at a time and not trying to plan out an elaborate life schema that would detail everything that would make me feel fulfilled and just try to live life as it is for me.